SueTastic!
by The Clever
Summary: An annoyingly beautiful new girl shows up at Dib and Zim's school, and she isn't just here for the cafeteria food. Dib/OC, played for laughs. Blatantly obvious Mary Sues. General stupidity. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey. This is my first fic, it'll probably be terrible. But this is sort of a parody of Mary Sues and author avatars, and probably what canon characters think they're there for.

And in case anyone really cares, I don't own anything except the story itself, blah blah herp derp.

xxxxx

There is an anomaly that often takes place after a long period of time away from school. Children often wish to return to their former prison, gleefully bounding out of their parents minivan's with their freshly washed brand-name sweatshirts and squeaky sneakers,

These children, in almost every possible way, were the polar opposite of Dib.

Yes, he had new clothes that, apparently, smelled like springtime itself. Yes, his boots had squeaked on the kitchen tile this morning. But no, no way in hell was he enjoying the walk to HiSkool.

Dib was contemplating many things. For instance, is this what springtime was supposed to smell like, because it never smelled like this where he lived. He thought briefly of what he ought to do for his upcoming 14 and a half birthday. He was thinking about the unfairness of life (an uncharacteristically angsty thing to think about) when he saw her, tripped flat on his face, got up and gaped at her.

A girl with an anatomically impossible figure was staring straight at him. She had the scrawniest body he had ever seen on a human being. Seriously. How did her skinny little legs hold up all that jewelry? She was armored with three rings on her right hand, four on her left, cuffs of different materials up to her elbows, long chain necklaces, and infuriatingly delicate feather earrings that drew attention to her face. And her glowing red eye.

They were terrifyingly mesmerizing, so much so that a black monster truck swerved off the road and overtop of Ms. Bitters. She melted into the shadow of the truck, rematerialized, and pressed her hideous face against the driver's window. She hissed menacingly and glided away.

The driver didn't even notice. He was too busy gaping at the weirdo with the eye. He yanked out a small notebook and mumbled, "No, no, nonononono…"

Normally he didn't have a problem with the new ones. They often only showed up for one major conflict and took off_._ But she was different. He thought that he might have created her and just forgotten, but there wasn't anything in the book. She was one of _them. _He noticed the way a streak in her hair suddenly turned dark green. He followed her eyes to where she was staring straight at a terrified Dib. He shook his head, started up the truck, and drove away.

Suddenly the girl's eye flashed again, settling into a weird shade of purple. Her left eye had remained brown through the entire episode. She was the kind of girl writers spent unnecessary time describing. Pages and pages and _pages_. But Dib's under-poetic mind shortened the process.

She was fairly short, about as wide across as a pencil, and had dark skin and black hair. Her hair was cropped to her chin and had a small patch that was changing from green, to blue, to violet. She was wearing a loose black tank top, red jeans, and combat boots. Everyone was staring at her. Torque Smacky started to wander away from his girl-of-the-week and towards the new girl, who was walking delicately towards the building. His girl grabbed him by one beefy arm and was about to scold him until she saw her. Then they both wandered in her direction.

It was sort of creepy, watching everyone but a girl with green hair and a very confused Dib lurch after the new girl like a herd of zombies. Some brave soul reached out to touch her now-yellow highlight. The girl turned around sexily.

That's right. This crazy chick could make turning to face someone who was pulling on her hair _sexy_.

She beamed at the crowd around her. Somebody -possibly Torque- fainted. People started to whisper. "Who're you?"

She smiled again. A few more people passed out.

"My name," she said, "is Siram." And baring her teeth slightly, she stepped through the squeaky double doors, leaving her fan club in her dust.

xxx

_Hmm. That one's the threat, _Siram thought. The voice in her head was a gorgeous whisper, of course. Everything about her was gorgeous. They made sure of that.

_Doesn't look like much, but may have dangerously high intellectual capabilities,_ she mentally noted. Siram had a fantastic vocabulary.

She leaned against the bank of lockers in an alluring way. She had been told the second threat went to HiSkool as well. Scanning the crowd, she played with one of her cuffs. It was an old habit left over from-

There. That was him.

Her eye blinked red as she stared at a boy with green skin and black hair. She searched for an adjective to describe his hair. Coming up with nothing particularly impressive, she settled for 'flippy'. He apparently noticed he was being watched and glared at her with light-coloured eyes. But she knew who he really was. And so should everyone.

He, of course, was Zim.

He was striding down the hallway, shoulders back, kicking his feet in front of him slightly. She glanced over him, looking for a potential weakness. She looked at his PAK and grinned. She didn't need to destroy him if he was simply unable to fight back. Standing upright, she pulled her hair behind her ears, put in a pair of earbuds, and did the one thing she knew for sure was capable of neutralizing Irkens.

She started to sing.

Zim had seen the human staring at him. Why shouldn't she stare at him? He was incredibly attractive, and a genius.

But most of all, he was Zim.

He shrugged it off as yet another earth female infatuated with him. Quite a few of them had shown up recently, clamouring for his amazing attention. Zim rejected all of them, of course. He didn't need their creepy affections. He was thinking about getting a slightly- only a little tiny bit uglier disguise to throw off some of the attention when he heard the sound.

The sound!

THE _SOUND!_

You see, Irken PAKs are equipped with an Inhibitor, to decrease the amount of emotions distracting the wearer. The only ones left untouched were Loyalty (to the empire), Anger (at any non-Irken race), and Fear (of displeasing the Tallest). Zim, being defective, had managed to get a fair bit of Paranoia in there as well. But other than that he had been perfectly normal- perhaps even better than average.

That is, of course, until the Inhibitor exploded.

The wretched girl was walking- nearly freakin' _floating_- down the hall, singing some stupid Earth song in a voice that was sweet, and clear, and all those lovely adjectives. Unfortunately for Zim, she was also singing at a frequency that caused his Inhibitor to spontaneously combust.

Zim just stood in place. Everyone around him was standing still, too, mesmerized by the ridiculous Earthling. Had she no shame? She finished the song, placed a hand delicately against a doorframe, and walked into the room. People slowly came to life again, but not Zim. He just blinked and twitched.

He had never had full access to his emotions before. He had no clue how to control them, how to keep himself from exploding. So when Dib walked past and shouldered him into a bank of lockers, Zim crumpled to the floor, clutched his sides, and started sobbing hysterically.

Dib turned around at the sound of pained crying. He saw Zim lying against a locker door, shrieking like a baby.

He shook his head and kept walking. One thing was certain.

This was the weirdest day ever.

xxxxx

A/N: What didja think? Read, Review, Flame. I'll update soon if anyone cares. And if it's really bad, MST it or something. I'd probably find that hilarious.


	2. Chapter 2 Of Sues and Queens

A/N: You guys would laugh so hard at the little squeaky happy noises I made when I saw your reviews. If I knew you guys in real life, I would hug you. And I've been told I give really nice hugs.

And to InvaderMouse: SO glad you asked. Mary Sues are typically female OCs. They're usually beautiful and flawless and have really complex outfits and appearances. Often they use their powers to bend the laws of canon and make characters fall in love with them. If that wasn't helpful, look it up on TV Tropes. And thankies for the cookie, love.

And now, ON WITH THE STORY!

xxxxx

It's quite annoying for a social outcast to come back to school after summer break. Everyone compares tans, parties, and amounts of alcohol consumes. If anything, you got paler and more withdrawn.

Dib didn't have that problem anymore. Somehow (Gaz swore he conjured them), he had three friends, Jacko, Five, and Frawg. They were just as obsessed with the paranormal as he was, if not more sometimes. They camped out in the bushes in front of Zim's base. They piled into Frawg's RV and went to Saskatchewan to look for Bigfoot. They had their own lunch table. It was glorious.

Dib was leaning against Five's desk, chatting about the leprechaun they had found in a particularly old container of spreadable cheese, when Zim burst into the room. Unfortunately, they shared a class. With Dib's luck, they probably shared at least 3.

"YOU!" Zim was wiping tears and alien mucus off his green face, and pointing angrily at Dib. Suddenly, he ran forward, knocking him off Five's desk and onto the floor. Everyone crowded around. Teenagers love a good fight.

Dib was pinned under Zim, who seemed to be doing his best to punch a hole through the taller boy's chest. He was crying and screaming bloody murder. He grabbed Dib by the collar and pulled him upright, weakly slapping him in the face with one hand. "Why—" Slap. "Are you—" Slap. "So mean—" Slap. "To ZIIIIIIM!" Slapslapslap.

Zim was rightly outraged. He hadn't even begun torturing the filthy hyu-man yet! This was ridiculous and unwarranted brutality. Even insanity had rules, and one of these rules was that Zim always- _always! –_hit first. Dib had just flung that right out the window.

Suddenly Zim twitched, hard. The pupils of his contacts dilated- was that possible? – and contracted. He let his head fall onto Dib's shoulder, clamped his arms around his midsection, and continued to cry. This was completely ridiculous. Dib tried to pry his nemesis off him, but he had a surprisingly strong grip. He looked up for assistance and made eye contact with Siram. Her eye was red again. As soon as he looked at her the eye flashed, his head spun, and suddenly he was patting Zim on the back and saying, "I don't know, baby, I just d- HEY! WHAT IS THIS?"

The room went back into focus. Due to an experiment by his father, Dib had a very high resistance to mind control. It usually only worked on him for a few seconds (the fact that he knew that illustrated just how sad his life had become.). Zim twitched again, violent enough that he flew off of Dib and onto the ground next to him, catatonic. This was _weird._

Dib glared silently at Siram. She grinned at him, eye back a normal colour. Well, normal for her, anyway. "What was that?" Dib snarled.

She gave him a look of completely feigned innocence. A few kids glowered at Dib and protectively circled Siram. Mutters went out from the crowd about what a jerk Dib was, picking on the new girl. He must get his kicks from destroying the newbies self-esteem. Psychopath. The murmurs were the least of Dib's problems; Zim was still shrieking like a siren and was now kicking at Dib's legs. There was really only one solution if the eardrums of the classroom could be saved.

Dib stood up, lifted Zim off the ground, and tossed him over his shoulder like a fireman carrying an unconscious child. He carried him toward the door, ignoring the punches to his back and the kicks to his legs. Five opened the door and Dib dropped Zim outside the room. Zim stopped sobbing for a moment to look up at Dib with pure, indescribable, hysterical hatred. Five slammed the door and locked it.

Siram was nowhere to be seen.

xxx

"Why the frex aren't they neutralized yet?"

" I don't frexing know! They must have some sort of frexing mind powers!"

"Well you'd better find another frexing solution!"

"I frexing WILL!"

"Frex!"

"FREX!"

"FREEEEEEEEX!"

Siram let out that final screech and cut the transmission. It was unspeakably rude to hang up on the Queen without permission, but she was her top student. She would probably forgive her.

Siram looked stormed out of the restroom stall. A girl with greenish hair saw her and narrowed her eyes. She tried to give her a mind-scrambling grin, but the girl just scoffed and swept out of the door. Siram stared into the mirror, pulling her hair out of her face. Was she losing her touch? This wasn't the first mission she'd been given. She had been operational for a month now. And already they were beating her? The Queen had told here everyone here was simple minded. Everyone apparently except the Threats. She got the alien's PAK to _explode_, for frex's sake. And the boy had just shaken off her mind control in, like, three seconds! She had tried killing them, making them fall in love with her, even making them fall in love with each other. And they were still threats! This was outrageous! Siram roared and slammed her fists against the counter.

In the boys' room one wall away, Zim started at the sudden noise. Then he assumed it was nothing. Nothing he couldn't handle, anyway. He went back to inspecting himself in the mirror. He blew a kiss at his reflection. Still as good-looking as ever. Then he peeled one of his contact lenses away, examined the peculiar glint in his eye. They looked deeper, sharper somehow, more focused. Must've been the explosion.

Zim ran an internal check on his PAK. As he suspected, the Inhibitor had blown up, yet somehow left the rest of his PAK untouched. That was… very improbable. But Zim really didn't want to argue with explosions, something he had learned years ago.

The Inhibitor left some pieces behind that could probably be salvaged. That was also really unlikely. Zim was really suspicious of this whole situation. At least it meant he could repair it without having to call the Tallest for extra materials. That would be one awkward message.

About a month ago, the Tallest had informed Zim that his mission was a glorified exile. He didn't believe them at first, but then they showed him an animated short film explaining the situation.

If there's one thing Zim trusted more than Red and Purple, it was animated short films.

They then banished Zim from all conquered and slated-to-be-conquered planets. This information caused Zim to go on a fairly short psychotic rampage. It was pretty well limited to anything that was in his base at that moment. After watching for about two and a half minutes, Zim's computer deadpanned that the nearest non-slated non-conquered planet was a one-thousand-year trip from here. That made him stop kicking in a large chair. He'd be _old _by then. And he needed an inhabited planet so he could show off his superiority to the inhabitants.

So he'd just hold off conquering Earth for a while. Any day now, the Tallest would be _begging _for him to come back. He was Zim, after all.

So instead of trying to destroy all humanity, he just tried to destroy Dib. And create a race of super-trees.

Yup.

xxx

A short, green-haired girl leaned against a bank of lockers. She nodded to a tall, scrawny boy who was trying to open his lock. "Dib."

"Frawg," he didn't look up from his resistant lock, "Have you seen the new girl?"

She narrowed her muddy brown eyes. "Why? You like her?"

Dib looked up from his now-open locker and fixed Frawg with a dry stare. "I don't fall in love with aliens."

Frawg raised an eyebrow. "Do you know what kind?"

"A kind hell-bent for world destruction!" he proclaimed dramatically.

"You have no idea, do you," Frawg was stating, not asking.

"Does it really matter? I mean, as long as she's from another planet she's the enemy."

"Well, she might be less hell-bent for destroying the world, and more hell-bent for destroying you specifically."

xxxxx

A/N OOOOOOOH, a twist. Please keep reviewing, I feed on your positive reviews like some kind of sick self-esteem burritos. (That was creepy) I may not be able to update too often, I've got finals on Monday and Tuesday. But I'm not at school for the rest of the week after that, and I'll write more then. Bye, loves.


	3. Chapter 3 Or Maybe She's A Martian, Too

A/N: Once again, thanks for the reviews, you guys are amazing. And to Darknesse Sith... neither. She has a much more sinister purpose, as shall be revealed shortly.

Now, sit back, eat a sammich, and enjoy the stupidity.

xxxxx

"Hey, Dib, can I borrow your jackcet?"

Dib set down a tray of grey stuff, sat down at the table, and looked over at Jacko. "Why…?"

"I'm cold. Please?"

Dib really didn't want to give his trench coat up. This one was his favourite. He had even gotten it tailored to be extra swooshy when he walked. But Jacko had saved his life from a trio of angsty teenage were-odactyls, and both boys agreed that entitled him to special favours. He shrugged out of the coat and handed it across the table, careful not to drop it in his possibly corrosive lunch.

"Strip poker?" Frawg sat down next to Jacko. Five, a stocky redheaded kid, laughed. "Hey, you two look almost the same now."

Dib regarded the boy across from him. True, they were the same height- tall- and the same body type- bony- but Jacko was blond. They didn't look a thing alike. Five was nuts. "No, no we don't."

"So anyway, Dib," Frawg muttered around a bite of… food? "I'm gonna need to go to your house after school."

Everyone at the table stopped pretending to eat and looked at her. Jacko piped up, "Is it because of the—"

"Yeah." Frawg said boredly.

"Does he—"

"Nope."

"Are you gonna—"

"Possibly." With that the conversation ended.

Pretty much everyone trusted Frawg. She was the oldest at sixteen, held back a few years for "causing a minor explosion. I don't see what the big deal was. The A/V club gets a whole field trip to blow things up." She was short and sturdy, like the rest of her family, and about three times a year she had to call Dib or Jacko to get something off the top shelf in her house. How anyone got anything up there would always be a mystery.

"What's he talking about?" Dib broke the silence and pointed his spoon at Jacko.

"I'll tell you when you're older." That was pretty much Frawg's blanket response to everything. Dib sighed and hope he'd be old enough by the time they got to his place.

xxx

"It's in the M's… there. That one."

Dib squinted at the computer screen.

"I really don't think Siram's a _Martian_, Frawg."

"The one below that, big-head." Frawg shut her eyes as if she couldn't believe how stupid Dib was.

"Why does everyone think those jokes are funny? They really hurt my feelings, you know-"

"JUSTREADIT!" Frawg shrieked angrily. Dib sighed, leaned forward toward the screen, and began to read:

_Mary Sue: a primarily female alien race. From planet Badfic. They reproduce by collecting DNA from hosts, and creating slightly altered clones. After this, they hunt down the host and capture them for later use. They are conditioned to be free from most flaws, and what little flaws are left are used to make them more appealing. They are almost always considered extremely beautiful, and use this to seduce the inhabitants of a planet they intend to conquer. They are skilled in hand-to-hand combat and use of small firearms. They often use their singing voices as weapons. Sometimes referred to as Sues._

_Sues target people who they think are the main threat to the planet's conquest. Usually these 'threats' are people who figure out that they are Sues or those who will more actively fight for the planet's safety._

_When dealing with a Sue, the best weapon is the host. They usually know of a secret weakness in the Sue that can be used against them._

The Swollen Eyeball database then went into a brief description of some subspecies called 'author avatars', but it was broken up by jargon about something called the Fourth Wall, and wishing to keep it intact. Dib had no idea what that meant. He made a mental note to Google it later.

"She's a Mary Sue? How did you know?" Dib turned to Frawg.

The short girl sighed and leaned back against Dib's desk. She twisted her hands together. "I, I was a host once. Luckily it was just one Sue by herself, and not the whole empire. I managed to destroy her—"

"You _killed_ her?" Dib was shocked. He didn't think Frawg had that killer instinct.

"Hey, she was _me._ It doesn't count as murder if it's your clone."

"That's the rule?'

"Yup."

Frawg could be kind of creepy sometimes.

xxx

"_WoooOOOooo, look at meeeEEEEeee. I'm GaaaaAAAAAaaaz."_

"Shut up, Zim."

"_Woooooo- argh!"_ Zim shrieked and wiped the cafeteria food off his face. Unlike the Dib situation yesterday, this was not unwarranted enough to cause insane sobbing. Instead, he wept silently and wiped the few tears off his face.

Lunch had been a bit boring today. So Zim had procured three pieces of purple construction paper from his PAK, taped them to his head, and proceeded to flail his arms around and speak in a high voice like one does when doing a horrible impression of a friend.

Zim and Gaz were friends for three reasons. Gaz liked how Zim didn't take anyone's crap. Zim liked Gaz's cruel, calculating nature. And both liked how pissed off Dib got when they spent time together.

Although, the personalities of the two meant the relationship was vitriolic at best.

Zim had unstuck the paper from his head and was now glaring across the room at Dib. "He's up to something."

Gaz opened one amber eye and regarded Zim with cat-like laziness. "Why, because he pushed you yesterday? I still think something's wrong with you." Zim had called Gaz about it the night before, in tears and virtually unintelligible.

"That was just unnecessary brute force, though! The Dib's usual tactic is psychological. He's obviously become jealous of ZIM!'s amazing combat skills." Zim sat back against the plastic seat, satisfied with this assessment.

"I thought you two had some kind of emotional moment yesterday. Hugging and crying and everything. Everyone's talking about it." Gaz smirked at Zim's shocked expression.

"THERE WAS NO MOMENT OF EMOTIONS! YOU SPEAK _LIES!" _Zim was flailing again.

"Don't deny it. It's about time you two hooked up. Of course, you waited so long I owe The Letter M sixty bucks…"

Zim narrowed his eyes at the girl across the table. "What do you mean, you owe him sixty monies?"

"Everyone's been taking bets on when you and Dib would get together since the seventh grade. I bet him it would happen before you hit your weird alien growth-spurt."

Over the summer, Zim had noticed that most of the kids who were usually the same height as him were now a foot taller. To try to fit in better, he took some of the growth formula he had created back when he was a scientist. The Tallest had found it and banned it for use in the Empire.

But Zim wasn't part of the Empire anymore, was he?

He had returned to school twelve inches taller, at the still-fairly-pitiful height of five-foot-three. Dib used the sudden change as more evidence that Zim was an alien. Everyone else just blamed puberty. He was still tiny, though. Even Gaz was taller than him.

Now they just sat there, Gaz completely sucked into the game, Zim sullen. He eyed the new girl suspiciously. She was laughing delicately, surrounded by sheep-like followers at a nearby table. Everyone was making gooey eyes at her. No question there was something weird about her. The thought suddenly entered Zim's mind that she was a Sue, but he pushed it away. She was probably just crazy.

xxx

Somewhere far away, on board the Massive, Purple was royally pissed off.

He was tied up in a corner, glaring at Red with a _how-could-you-not-notice-her-eyes-were-glowing-are-you-really-that-stupid _look in his eye. Red was handcuffed to a pipe in the wall and staring back at his co-ruler with a helpless _oh-come-on-she-was-just-so-pretty-I-wasn't-thinking-straight _ expression. No matter what kind of look they were giving, they were still screwed.

Red was such a moron.

Of _course_ he had let the slightly manic, yet beautiful Irken girl onboard. How was he supposed to know she was really a hostile alien clone? Anyone would have done the same, especially if they were being mind-controlled-

"—every planet in their Empire so far, my Queen, except for Earth." Muffled conversation bled through the walls. Red turned his head to eavesdrop, and Purple inclined his antennae slightly.

"The Earth threat is an Irken? Why is he a threat, he must hate it there! He'd love for it to be destroyed!" A seductive snarl carried through.

"Well, he's a bit mentally unstable. He considers Earth his and his alone to destroy and would probably fight us for the honor." Red made an aggravated noise. They must be talking about Zim.

"Well, make sure he doesn't find out about this. He might try to fight back to save his leaders."

At this Purple flopped back against his wall. He now had two options: let his Empire go down in smoke, or call Zim and beg for help. The last choice probably wouldn't solve anything, but it was that or roll over and die. He shut his eyes, enraged.

If they lived through this, Purple was never going to speak to Red again.

xxxxx

A/N: Heh. Now Purple's the smart one. REVIEW OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF SOME CRAZY INTERNET TEENAGER!


	4. Chapter 4 Zim Uses His Brain

A/N: I'm back, guys! Exams are over and I've got the rest of the week off, so I'll probably update more. And now, we return to our regularly scheduled programming.

xxxxx

Dib was slumped over the top of his desk, half asleep, with a pencil in his mouth. He was staring at Zim with an extremely confused expression. Zim had his head on the desk with his arms wrapped over his face, looking up occasionally. His eyes looked somewhere between terrified and miserable.

Ah, another new emotion. This one seemed to be Shame.

The entire class was looking at Zim, he was _sure _of it. They had been taking bets on his love life, and now they were mocking him. So mocking. Everyone was mocking…

He looked up over his arms to look around the room. No one was looking at him… they must have seen him look up and were pretending not to notice him. Ugh. It was pitiful.

In one fluid motion, he unstuck his face from his arms, hauled himself on top of the desk, flung his hands in the air and yelled: "ZIM HAS NO BOYFRIEND!"

A small, disappointed noise went up from a girl at the back. She handed a wad of cash to the boy next to her. "I _told_ you," he said drily.

There was a loud, sudden cracking noise as the desk collapsed under Zim. At that moment, Miss Bitters appeared outside the window. She glared at the glass until it shifted slightly, and she slipped in through a tiny crack. She looked indifferently at the broken pieces of fake wood and cheap metal, and then whistled loudly. A large pig wandered over and stood in front of Zim. It was obviously supposed to be his new table.

"Look at the pig, children." Everyone crowded the newest addition to the room. "That is what I could do to you if you fail this class." She slithered over to the chalkboard and smirked. "If I'm feeling generous."

Dib groaned. Of course, he was in one of Poonchy's classes.

Back when they were in the sixth grade, Poonchy had voiced a negative opinion about Miss Bitters' teaching methods. She heard him, through all the walls and classrooms, from the other side of the school. She decided the best punishment would be for her to teach every single one of his classes for the rest of his natural-born student life.

And if you were unlucky enough to share a class with him, you got to share in all the fun.

Whee.

xxx

"Now if you look at this pie chart, you can see every possible way you could die, right in this moment." Math class was a whole new form of terror now.

Miss Bitters slunk to her chair and pulled out a copy of _The Hunger Games._

"What're you doing with that?" an overweight boy asked.

She leveled her eyes at him. "Just getting some ideas for next week's field trip." The chubby kid gulped.

Just then, the door opened with a protesting screech. Siram stood in the doorway, a hand on her bony hip.

And now, an unnecessary description.

Today she was wearing a dress with pictures of butterflies and their scientific names on it, and the same combat boots as yesterday. She wasn't wearing all the jewelry, and her hairstreak was a bluish-purple.

"Who're you," Miss Bitters stated. Not asked. _Stated._

There was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash, and the old woman sat bolt upright.

"I'm Siram. I'm new here," she said prettily. Anything's pretty when a Sue does it.

Then, the most horrifying thing in the world happened. There were a few small cracking and grinding sounds. Miss Bitters' face contorted in impossible ways. Then she smiled. She freaking _smiled_.

A couple of kids vomited.

"Class, this is Siram. Befriend her or risk serious mutilation at my hand," she said in a weird, cheerful tone.

Siram grinned. (why hadn't she been in class yesterday?) She flicked her hair and chose a seat in the middle of the room. Everyone but Zim and Dib leaned closer to her.

Zim considered again that she might be a Sue. Wait… if she was a Sue, she was here to take over the Earth. Fine, whatever. Zim didn't care. Nope. Didn't care at all, la-la-la-la-la…

He cried a little.

xxx

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Why was Zim beeping? Dib sat up straighter and was about to confront his nemesis when Zim looked at his wrist, widened his eyes, and shot out the door. Miss Bitters would have screamed down the hall at him, but she was currently grinning and drooling a bit. She'd been doing that for about half an hour.

"Did anyone happen to notice that Zim just ran out of here _beeping_?" Dib sounded more manic than usual. "Humans don't _beep—_"

There was a resounding chorus of "SHUT UP, DIB!"

Sheesh. They were trying to listen to Siram. "So, like, pie is good, and stuff," she warbled. Everyone burst out laughing and applauding.

_That, _Dib thought, _is the absolute stupidest thing I have ever heard. And I know _Zim.

Ooooh, that was a good one. Too bad Zim wasn't there.

xxx

"Zim! Is that you?"

"Wha- MY TALLEST! What do you—" _Play it cool, Zim_. "What do you want?" _Heh. Cooooool._

Red and Purple were squished together, each trying to get their face in view.

"This is going to sound a little crazy, but we need your he-aaaaaaaaaaagh." Red blinked. "I can't say it. I just can't.

"Try using the word _assistance_," Purple suggested.

"Zim, we need your assistaaaaaaaaaaah-nce." Red shuddered.

The Inhibitor explosion must have messed something else up, because Zim decided to stop and think. _Maybe I can use this…_

This was the moment Zim had been waiting, like, five weeks for. Finally, they realized they needed him. Of course they needed him. He was awesome!

"So if I 'assist' you, you'll make me an Invader again," Zim said plainly, trying not to giggle and dance about.

"What? No! We never said-"

"Oh, alright, then I guess I'll see you later…"Zim moved to hang up.

"!" Red whisper-yelled. He sighed, like the weight of every world in the universe was on his shoulders. Well, it was sort of true. "Fine. Whatever."

"We're not gonna-?" Red gave Purple a pleading glance. "Ohhhh, yeah, we'll totally make you an Invader… and… other stuff… in addition…to…"

"Stop talking."

"Okay."

At this, Zim was unable to restrain the giggles and dancing and whatnot. His laughter rose to an infernal, victorious screechy noise. He did some sort of dance that was probably impossible for any human to replicate.

Then he realized he hung up on the Tallest without finding out what they needed help with.

xxx

Siram had been plotting all night. She even got Caity to help her out. They decided that the best course of action would be to infatuate the human threat with her, so he would not be motivated to oppose her conquest.

She was feeling rather loquacious today.

She saw the threat standing by his locker with some blond guy. The blond wasn't important. She leaned against the locker next to them, bared her teeth and said: "Hey."

The threat and the blond guy exchanged panicked looks. Then the blond said, "You're on your own, dude," and walked away quickly.

"Thank you so much," the threat muttered.

The Sue leaned toward her target a bit. "I'm Siram."

The threat pulled off his glasses and cleaned them with the end of his shirt. "Yeah, I know. I'm Dib." He put the glasses back on and blinked at her.

She leaned forward till her head was pressed against his chest. She grinned up at him. "I know," she said sexily.

The threat pulled a spoon out of his backpack and wedged it between him and the affronted Sue. He pried her away. "Fantastic," he deadpanned.

This wasn't going to end well for him.

xxx

The Irken girl stretched her legs out. She'd been sitting around all day waiting for Siram to come home. She couldn't be seen. She didn't have a disguise, and this wasn't her mission, anyway.

She was, by Irken standards, just as beautiful as Siram was to humans. She had one black eye, and one the colour of slate. She was tall enough to command respect, but short enough to be unthreatening. Her name was Caity.

She let her head flop back against the pillows on the couch. Caity had decided to ditch the usual uniform for skinny black jeans and a white tank top. She was barefoot and bare-armed.

Caity was one of the only existing Irken Sues.

There were once a lot more, but a lot of Sues had been killed in battle. That really wasn't their proudest moment, letting the populace trick them, but they fed on sheep-like compliance. They didn't tend to reject adoration.

And they used fantastically big words.

"Caity!" Siram bounded in through the front door. Her hairstreak was a happy shade of pink.

"Siram!" Caity jumped off the couch and hugged her, lifting her off the ground slightly. Siram wrapped her arms around her taller friend.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"No, you have to guess."

"Awww."

"Fine, fine. I'll just tell you."

Caity placed Siram delicately on the ground. She sat back down on the couch and looked up at her, like a child waiting to be told a bedtime story.

"I've got a date tomorrow night," Siram giggled. Caity gave her a round of baby-claps; those annoying little bursts of applause valley girls are prone to.

"With a threat, I'm guessing?" Caity leaned back and sprawled out on the couch.

"Yeah. Of course."

"The boy?"

"Yes."

"Be careful. He might trick you," Caity said, leaping from pleased to warning.

"My dear little Caity," Siram kissed her friend's cheek before adding: "You worry way too much."

xxxxx

A/N No points for guessing who Caity's host is. Now, get your review on.


	5. Chapter 5 I've Got A Date With Mary

A/N: I was gonna write more this week, but then my social life was like "LOL NOPE." So... here you go.

Oh, and if you care, the song is Blindness by Metric.

xxxxx

Sedda was half-asleep when Master walked in. He'd been working in here more and more often lately, outfitting the group with weapons, more arms, and more legs.

It was the first time he saw the girl.

From the sound of the conversation, he had brought her here to brag. It was a bit hard to tell from Sedda's height of twenty feet. Compared to the other ones, he was small and young. The rest were at four weeks and thirty feet, but Sedda was only a week old.

Sedda reached an arm down to the pair, beckoning them forward. The girl stepped lightly into his hands, settling down in the spindly fingers. She blinked up at the giant creature carrying her. If it were physically possible, Sedda would have given her an encouraging smile. Instead, he ran a finger through her violet hair.

"—just need to work on the whole _compassion_ thingy," Master called from the ground. That was what he insisted they all call him. Nobody knew his real name. "They seem to care too much about everything."

"Maybe you could get them to just care about you and GIR. And me, possibly."

"Why you?"

The girl nearly smiled. "I might want to use them for torturing people."

Sedda liked the sound of that. He was a weapon after all.

"No! I'm not letting a filthy hyu-man—" the girl glared down at Master. "You can use them," he amended quickly.

_Good, _Sedda thought. _I like this one…_

xxx

"Where were you?"

Gaz didn't look up as she opened the door. She chucked her skool-bag onto the couch, eyes still on her Game Slave. "Zim's place."

Dib glared. "I still don't approve."

"Perfect."

"What if he… like… impregnates you or something?"

"I would love that." Gaz turned and walked up the stairs.

Muted babbling came from the phone on the kitchen table. Still glowering at the staircase, Dib picked the phone up.

"—I swear, Dib, if she showed up and killed you, I'm gonna go into the afterlife and kick your ass, you had better pick up this phone right now—"

"I'm back, Frawg."

"Oh, awesome. Where was I?"

"You were yelling about how stupid I was."

"Right. WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO ON A DATE WITH HER? SHE'LL KILL YOU!"

"I decided the best course of action would be to _pretend _that Siram tricked me into not caring about the Earth. Then, she'll go back to that space station thingy you told me about, and we can follow her there and take the Sues down."

Frawg was silent for a second. "That's actually a good plan. How'd you come up with it without my help?"

"I… I have no idea." Actually, he had a dream last night where some weird teenage girl told him to do it. But that sounded a bit insane.

"Whatever. Need me to come over and help you pick out a pretty dress?"

"No. Wait… no."

There was a loud crash, and then Frawg hung up. She had a tendency to fling the phone at the wall when she was done talking.

She was more than a little bit off.

xxx

Siram decided to take Dib to a restaurant that seemed to have shown up overnight. It was way nicer than all the places in town. And shockingly empty. The only people inside were three couples that seemed to move mechanically. After a couple of minutes they repeated the same conversations, over and over again.

Dib suspiciously eyed a brunette who was laughing at the same joke for the third time now. Hey, did you notice how weird the people in here are?"

Siram looked alarmed for about two seconds. Then she put on her usual bubbly grin. "What? No. They're not weird at all."

"No, really. They seem like… robots or something."

"They're definitely not _robots_. That's ridiculous. Hehehehe…"

"How do you—"

"No."

"But—"

"NOPE."

"…Yeah, okay."

The only one who seemed normal was a black-haired waitress whose nametag identified her as _Caity. _She was pretty, like Siram, but more solid-looking. She could probably beat the Sue in a fistfight.

Caity strode over with a glass of water for Dib, and a side salad for his alien date.

_Alright. So, I'm on a date with a member of a hostile alien race. No big deal. She wouldn't kill me in the middle of a restaurant… right?_

Dib tried to quietly reach across the table and take away Siram's steak knife.

Siram looked up. Dib let go of the blade and tried to look as non-threatening and stupid as possible.

_This is going well,_ Siram thought. _I might not be losing my touch after all. He looks pathetically stupid._

But she wasn't quite sure. After the Sues' defeat on Ghiaskloap, they had to take extra precautions. So she decided to break out the big guns.

Flicking her hair, she turned to wink at Caity. She winked back, then disappeared under a counter. Suddenly, the song changed to something slower.

Dib gulped. This was what he had been afraid of. She was probably gonna sing now.

Siram tried not to stare at the threat as she started singing:

_Send us a blindfold, send us a blade_

_Tell the survivors help is on the way._

Dib looked mildly terrified.

_I was a blindfold, never complained_

_All the survivors singing in the rain_

_I was the one with the world at my feet_

_Got us a battle, leave it up to me_

A knot of pain worked its way into his head.

_Find us a trapdoor, find us a plane_

_Tell the survivors help is on the way_

The pain increased. Dib was wishing for a trapdoor and a plane, too. A trapdoor to open and spirit him away, and a plane to crash through the window and into Siram's face.

_I was a blindfold, never complained_

_All the survivors singing in the rain_

_I was the one with the world at my feet_

_Got us a battle, leave it up to me_

At this point, Siram placed a hand over Dib's, which was clenched around her knife again. He remembered his plan to be idiotic. Fighting the pain, he opened his mouth and drooled a bit. Perfect.

_What it is and where it stops nobody knows_

_You gave me a life I never chose_

Dib's brain was going to explode.

_I wanna leave but the world won't let me go_

_Wanna leave but the world won't let me go _

No, his skull was going to explode, and his brain was going to _im_plode. It was getting harder and harder to look harmless.

Siram repeated the last four lines a couple more times. Her plan seemed to be working. He was completely under her control.

_I was the one with the world at my feet_

_Got us a battle, leave it up to me_

_Leave it up to me, leave it up to me_

The song finished and was quickly replaced by some hipster song nobody in the restaurant knew. Siram giggled and dug back into her salad.

This was the best first date _ever_.

xxx

"I had a really nice time tonight, Dib."

"Yeah. Uh—I mean—uahahuauhauh." That was the stupidest thing he could think of.

Siram was always known to be extra careful. She always made sure everything was done right. And if it wasn't, then she fixed it. She thought Dib was pretty near neutralized, but there was one thing that would make sure.

She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and kissed him.

If his mouth wasn't already busy, Dib probably would have started screaming. This was _horrific_! At least it wasn't his first kiss. That honor belonged to some scary girl who tackled him about two years ago. She then ran away screaming.

As much as he wished, Siram did not run away screaming.

Eventually, she let him go, laughed delicately, and walked off down the street.

Dib turned and shut the door. Gaz had her eyes open wide and was staring at him from the couch. He stared back. They made awkward, nervous eye contact for about ten seconds.

Then Dib vomited.

xxxxx

A/N: I like making people throw up for comedic purposes. So, please review, because I cry every day I get no reviews. For serious.


	6. Chapter 6 Wall Holes and Revelations

A/N: You guys either hate me or have forgotten about me. I'm not sure what to be more upset about. I've missed you guys, so so so much. I've just had the most obscene writers block.

And yes, the title is a Muse reference. I like Muse.

AND NOW, SUETASTIC!

xxxxx

Lucid dreaming is when one is aware that one is dreaming. Sometimes, it is possible to change the events in the dream, manipulating your subconscious for your own entertainment.

Gaz was excellent at manipulating her subconscious.

So when a strange girl showed up in her dream one Tuesday night, she was confused. Or at least as confused as Gaz could possibly get.

The girl looked around her, then she called out to Gaz: "Hey, I'm looking for Dib. Know where he is?"

Gaz pointed in what she imagined was the direction of Dib's bedroom.

" 'Kay, thanks," the girl said, turning on her heel and walking off into a patch of mist.

Gaz watched her until she disappeared. Then, wrinkling her nose in concentration, she made a giant, glowing gorilla burst in from the fog. It growled down at the indifferent girl, mouth dripping violet saliva.

She casually cracked her knuckles, got into a fighting stance, and uttered four words she never said while conscious:

"Come at me, bro."

xxx

Dib was in a large, foggy room. The walls appeared to be bluish-grey, and blended into the floor and ceiling. About seven yards away was a girl, bent over a desk, glaring at a computer.

Dib was vaguely aware of the fact that he was dreaming. He also recognized the girl from a dream he had a few nights ago: Same dark skin, same frizzy ginger-brown-dyed hair, and same poser-y lensless glasses. He called out a greeting.

The girl's head snapped up. "Oh, hey, man."

Dib cut to the chase. "If you're gonna be showing up in my dreams like this, I should know your name."

She turned back to the computer, furrowing her brow. "You can call me… Clever."

"…That's a dumb name."

"Says the kid named _Dib_."

"Touché." He rocked back on his heels, slightly uncomfortable. "What do you want this time?"

"Just to apologize for leaving you alone so long."

"It's been, like, three days."

Clever looked confused. "Really? Whoa," she punctuated her sentence with a whistle. She leaned back, cracking her neck. "Listen, I'm gonna need you to do something for me."

Dib shrugged. This dream chick had some kind of God complex. "Yeah, what?"

"You remember Siram?"

"Once again, it's only been three days."

"Well, she thinks she's won." At this, Clever began to type agitatedly. "She's heading to a space-station that's currently orbiting Earth."

"Is this going somewhere?"

"I'm gonna need you and Zim to go up there together and like, stop her or something."

"Me and _Zim? _Together? In a spaceship? _For several hours?_"

Clever leaned closer to her screen, squinting. "Yup."

"Any reason why?"

"Hey, the last time I told you to do something, it worked out excellently."

"But _why?_"

"Can't tell you."

Dib gave her an exasperated, questioning look.

She tapped a few more keys. "Spoilers."

"This isn't a story."

Clever smirked. "Of course not. Don't know _what_ I was thinking."

Dib glowered. Clever turned from the screen and made puppy-dog-eyes. "If you do it, I'll get you a present," she sing-songed annoyingly.

"What." It really wasn't a question, it was a statement. "You're in my dream. That doesn't make sense."

Clever opened a drawer on the desk and pulled out a red rose, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Dib suddenly started and woke up, feeling annoyed, unsatisfied, and definitely tired.

Then he saw the rose on his bedsheets.

"Oh, she's _clever._"

xxx

There was a hole in Zim's defenses. Literally. A huge, gaping hole in the back of his house that seemed to have appeared overnight.

As he stepped through the hole into Zim's kitchen, Dib decided he wouldn't dwell on its sudden appearance.

He was greeted by a strange cacophony of noises. GIR was lying on the ground, waving his metal limbs, covered in feathers, making some ridiculous, unintelligible noises. Zim was crying again. And his computer was repeating something over and over that sounded like _why me?_

"…Um, hi," Dib said. The computer appeared to notice him.

"Hey." The disembodied voice didn't really care about his master's arch-nemesis.

A loud crash came from the living room, along with more anguished sobbing. The computer didn't even have to hear Dib's question before he boredly answered, "Self-Doubt."

"Why?"

"He got a math question wrong. Apparently, blue plus monkey is exclamation mark, not blue monkey."

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIIIIIIGHT!" Another crash.

The computer sighed. "And he apparently got into a fight with some girl. Some girl who may or may not exist. Named Clever."

Dib's brain malfunctioned. Well, not literally.

The computer was oblivious to Dib's mental snap. "Yeah, he says she was all like, 'Yo, green boy, you gotta team up with that Dib kid.' And he was like, "I ain't yo' beeyotch.' And then she dumped nail polish remover on his head. And then he agreed with her. And then she laughed at him."

"Th-this was in a dream?" Dib sputtered.

"No. Irkens don't sleep. She just showed up in the living room, like, an hour ago."

Whoooooaaaaah.

Dib braced himself and walked into the living room. The couch and the TV lay upturned on the floor, and Zim was in a corner yelling something that sounded like, "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MEEEEE!"

He walked over to Zim and lightly kicked him in the leg. Some weird currents of electricity went through his curled-up green body, then he stood up, strangely calm. "Oh. Hi."

They eyed each other suspiciously. Then Zim grinned creepily. "Hey, Dib, I like your hair."

"What."

"It's all pointy and stuff. It's amazing."

"I'm not driving."

Zim dropped the act. "How did you—"

"Same thing happened to me."

"With the horrible human chemicals?"

"No, that's just you."

Zim nodded. Then he clapped his hands once and made for the kitchen. He flipped open the lid to the toilet and stuck one foot in. He glared over at Dib. "Come on then, Dib-face. Zim does not have time to watch you stand there like some kind of stupid standing thing."

Dib widened his eyes. "So we're going, just like that?"

Zim didn't respond. He was already flushing the toilet, thinking about how if he got this over with quickly, that sack of battle-tanks would finally be his.

Somewhere, very far away, a frizzy-haired human girl giggled.

xxx

The events that took place on the journey to the space-station were too violent and swear-laden to be revealed here.

So let's skip ahead a few hours, to the good part.

"Let's see here. Armory, Library, Salad Bar… Host Holding Cells, this way."

"LIES. It's this way."

"The sign says it's this way." Dib's patience was wearing thin. Like, Mary-Sue-limbs thin.

Zim turned around and walked back down the hallway. He stared at the sign for much longer than necessary. "Then, it's this way. Get it right, Dib." He started off down the door-lined hallway in the opposite direction.

"I _said_ it was this way."

"You're lying!"

"You can't just go around saying that every time you disagree with someone."

"Zim had been doing it for years." Then he paused, and turned toward one of the doors. "Here. Siram's host."

Dib pulled a lock-pick out of his overstuffed backpack. It was full of extra combat clothes, various tools, and a toothbrush. Just in case.

He worked the pick into the lock, and attempted to break in. After about fifteen minutes, Zim leveled his PAK-lasers at the doorknob and fired, opening the door and barely missing Dib's hand.

The room was simply decorated, like the rest of the ship: Red-brown walls, sparse furniture, eerily dim lights. There was a sad-looking bed, a toilet and a sink. And a girl, tied up in a corner.

She was obviously Siram's host. They had the exact same skin colour, and the brown of her eyes was the same as the colour of Siram's normal eye. She was tall, maybe six feet, and awkwardly skinny. Her hair was long and black. She was fairly average looking, and looked like she wasn't too accustomed to fighting.

The entire planet Earth's future was riding on this girl's shoulders. Crap.

Zim shut the door and leaned arrogantly against it, while Dib set to untying the girl's gag. As soon as it was removed she started to rant.

"It _took _long enough for you to get here! I've been waiting to be rescued for, like, three weeks! I've been mmmffhmfhsmhfm-" Zim clamped a hand over the girl's mouth. Dib glared at him as he stuck out a serpentine tongue and said: "You're welcome."

The girl pried the fingers off her face. "I'm Chloe," she said in a slightly affronted voice.

"I'm Dib." He pointed to his reluctant accomplice, who was wiping the spit off his glove. "That's Zim."

Chloe stood up, now free from the ropes at her ankles. "You're Zim?"

"The one and only," Zim puffed out his chest. "You must be one of my many adoring fans."

Chloe shook her head. Zim deflated. "No. I've never heard of you. The girl one cell down has, though."

Immediately, Zim blasted a hole in the cell wall. He ran through it, into the neighbouring cell. Chloe and Dib sighed, following him reluctantly.

This cell was identical to the last in style and furniture type. The only difference was that the bed was on the other side of the room.

That, and instead of Chloe restrained in the corner, there was Tak.

And she was _definitely _not amused.

xxxxx

A/N: Tak is here 'cause I think she's a BAMF. (And if you haven't guessed yet, a host.) Bai.


	7. Chapter 7 Fat Unicorn Chairs

A/N: This chappeh is a short one. It's probably gonna wrap up in like, two or three more chapters. Don't cry though, I've got plans for a really confusing other fic and a really dark ZaGR in the works. And maybe a Hunger Games fic. Maybe.

Keep your hopes up!

xxxxx

Tak's second move after being untied was to scream something in an alien language, something possibly violent and extremely profane.

Her _first _move was to kick Zim in the face.

Unfortunately for everyone, the Emotional Inhibitor had rebuilt itself on the drive over, and Zim didn't start crying (again). But that would have been funny.

"Hey, don't do that," Dib said, only very slightly annoyed. "I need him for later."

Tak stopped yelling for a moment to stare at Dib. Because, come on, that sounded highly inappropriate.

"I mean, he took my house key to make sure I didn't strand him here."

"Why can't you just leave him here and break a window to get in, idiot?"

"Because that would unleash the radioactive baboons."

They didn't even entertain the possibility that Gaz would let him in. She _so _wouldn't.

Tak stood up. She only came up to Dib's elbow, and kept throwing enraged looks at all five-feet-and-three-inches of Zim. "Oh, quit bleeding. I didn't kick you that hard."

Zim spat out a broken pink tooth and a mouthful of bluish blood. "How dare you injure the mouth of THE AMAZING ZIIIIIM!" The last three words echoed dramatically around the cell. Zim ripped Dib's backpack off his shoulders and dug around for a bandage. Then he stopped, glared into the bag, and dumped the contents onto the floor.

The bag contained bandages, protein bars, extra clothes, a toothbrush, a spray bottle full of water, and Frawg.

She groaned, stretched her cramped legs, and said: "I don't even know how that worked."

"Can somebody please explain everything that just happened?" Oh, right. Chloe.

"Why." Dib had been asking a lot of flat questions lately.

Frawg looked up from cracking her knuckles. "Some weird girl told me to."

"That was Clever. She keeps showing up and telling us to do things for her amusement."

"I don't think I like her."

"Nobody does?"

"WHAT IS THIS?"

"Chloe, it's better if you don't know." Dib turned to Tak. "You know, this is the part where you thank us for rescuing you."

"If you hadn't ruined my plans for Earth's conquest and flung me into the vacuum of space, I wouldn't need to be rescued," Tak hissed. "And I had everything under control."

"Yeah," Chloe said, leaning over to use Tak's head as an armrest. "We were gonna escape together."

Tak twisted her neck, biting angrily at Chloe's arm.

Dib walked back into Chloe's cell and looked through the open doorway. There were about eight other cells, not counting Tak's. "Hey, are there people in all those rooms?"

"There are only five others. The other three cells are empty," Tak said, appearing in the doorway.

"DIIIIIIIIIING!" A loud girly voice giggled over an intercom. Nobody had noticed that intercom before. "Could all Sues please report to the convention room for a special announcement? Like, there'll be cupcakes and stuff? Bye?" The disembodied voice cut off.

Chloe wandered into the doorway. "What's that all about?"

"You ask a lot of questions, kid," Frawg grumbled, standing between Dib and Tak.

"That's Siram's ceremony. Whenever a Sue conquers a planet, they have a big, stupid ceremony with big, stupid cupcakes." Zim had appeared between Chloe and Frawg. All five of them were wedged in the tiny doorway, staring down the hall at the occupied cells. Dib pushed Frawg out of his way and stepped into the hall.

"So here's what we're gonna do."

xxx

The Queen was taking even longer than usual today.

She prided herself on her appearance even more than her incredible takeover of a magic-using world. That takeover was still talked about today, in the Sue legends.

But that hardly compared to being pretty.

She fluffed her fingers through her black hair, trying to place it so the red-and-purple streaks stood out more than usual. She thickly painted on black eyeliner with one hand and smoothed out her leather mini with the other. She painted her nails black with red French-tips.

Hardly anyone remembered her real name. Everyone just called her 'my Queen'. She didn't even remember her names, to tell the truth.

'Queen' just sounded so much better.

She was dressed in one of her favourite outfits: black leather miniskirt, black lace tights, red combat boots, and a lacy sweater with the mysterious letters MCR printed across the front. Nobody but the Queen remembered what the letters stood for, and if they asked her, she just grinned and hummed to herself.

"We are ready, my Queen," came the voice from the door.

The Queen turned to look at the girl. She was skinny and pale, gorgeous and radiant, perfect Queen material. "Sit with me a while," the high-ranked girl said, gesturing to some pillows on the floor.

The girl sat down as the Queen asked her name.

"Emylee, Your Highness."

"Emylee. Hmmm. " She looked out a nearby window into the heart of the ship, as all the Sues milled around in the room. There were eighteen down there, nineteen in total, as they didn't count the Queen as an ordinary Sue.

No one could bend the laws of a universe like she could.

"Emylee, do you ever wish it was different?

"I don't understand."

"Like, do you wish that we didn't have to rule a world by sneaking around and pretending to be perfect."

"But we_ are_ perfect, my Queen."

The Queen sighed. "I suppose we are," she whispered, staring out the window. "And that's the problem."

xxx

Siram was really frexing excited.

She had just conquered a notoriously difficult planet. She had taken down two of the most resilient threats in one week.

And her hair looked frexing awesome.

To be fair, she hadn't really destroyed Zim as much as she had wanted to. But he would probably be crying to hard to do anything about it when they sent the troops down.

And Dib was still fairly threatening. But he was stupid now. _Really _stupid. Once, she saw him accidentally fling a spoonful of applesauce across the room, and then sit there clapping like a seal.

She had a nagging suspicion he had only done that because she was watching him, but she couldn't be sure. And Caity kept telling her it was alright.

She only really trusted Caity.

"Quit fidgeting," her friend said, squeezing her hands to stop her fingers tapping. "You're making _me _nervous."

Siram turned to the Irken Sue, hair-streak a questioning blue. "You're really not nervous at all?"

"I don't get nervous. I'm too awesome," Caity laughed, flexing her biceps.

Siram shoved her, making them both almost fall off their seats.

They were sitting in back of a stage on two extremely comfortable chairs. Like, super comfortable. It was like sitting on a pile of fat unicorns.

… or something.

They were waiting for the ceremony to start. Sues kept brushing past each other, carrying trays of multi-coloured baked goods. Huge towers of cupcakes and tiny little pies all stacked in delicious spiraling piles.

Ceremonies were always fun.

Sues are good dancers, good singers, and can eat as many of those little baby lemon cakes as they want without gaining a milligram. For all their horrible, evil, appearance-obsessed ways, they throw wicked awesome parties.

And this one was about to get crashed, hard.

xxxxx

A/N: OOH, I WONDER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN oh wait I wrote this. I know what's gonna happen. You don't. This writing thing makes me feel like I know everything, because you don't. Heh.


	8. Chapter 8 Chevkov's Plants

A/N: This is it, you guys. The final chapter. I'm actually really sad :( But don't worry! I've got two other IZ fanfics and one Hunger Games fanfic in my brain, so stay tuned. Chocolates to all my lactose-tolerant reviewers, signed headshots of me to all those who cannot enjoy dairy products.

And now, the end of SueTastic.

*cries*

xxxxx

"Ladies and, er, other ladies!" The crowd at the Queen's feet tittered. "Welcome to the ceremony of Siram and Caity!"

Siram grinned at the baying, small crowd, and Caity grabbed her hand and lifted it in the air like a champion wrestler.

Tak growled a bit, and Chloe stepped forward from behind the immense pillar. Dib reached an arm out, possibly to grab Chloe's wrist, but Zim beat him to it, jumping onto the skinny girl and hauling her backwards. The ecstatic Sues drowned his ridiculous war cry out.

The Mary Sues gathered around the golden stage were a fairly varied group: twelve humans, two Vorts, two cat-girls, and one Irken. One-half of the Irken Sue population was on-board the ship; the other two were busy on the Massive.

The ceremony room was much too big for the nineteen Sues and their Queen. It was decorated in an ancient sort of style, all marble and pillars, and the walls were round and white. Tables full of fancy food were piled in the north corner.

Siram and Caity were, of course, dressed to the nines for the occasion. Siram wore a black dress, with a spot on her chest that pulsed different colours in time with her heartbeat. For whatever reason, Mary Sues had decided to use their technology for ridiculously fashionable clothes. She had a silver belt that seemed to be levitating at waist-height, and her old combat boots.

Caity, ever the rebel, was in plain black fighting clothes. She had a piercing in her hairless eyebrow. Her multicoloured eyes sparkled.

Somewhere in the belly of the station, Frawg was unlocking several un-alarmed doors. Why they didn't have an alarm was quite the mystery, but Dib blamed it on alien egotism.

The Queen tossed her streaky hair, straightened her mysterious MCR top, and started some kind of formal speech. It sounded quite dull, even if any of the non-Sues knew what she was talking about.

Five girls quietly trailed in from the hall, not including Frawg. There was a slim Asian girl, a girl with freckles and ridiculously red hair, a girl with an eyebrow piercing and pink hair, a girl with mousy hair and bad skin, and a tiny blonde. Zim, apparently, recognized the blonde, and curled his lip as she blew a kiss at him.

Dib decided not to ask. Instead he turned to Frawg, who held up her watch, which caused Tak to sink into a fighting stance facing the Sues, and caused Chloe to give Dib a _help me what is going on _stare.

He whispered the plan to Chloe. "We're going to run in there and fight them."

"And what good will that do?"

"If we manage to defeat them, they stop conquering and go into a three year long over-dramatic mourning period."

"Wow, Sues are stupid."

"All aliens are." Zim and Tak whipped around in unison.

Dib's shins were going to bruise, and the left one might even scar a bit.

But it was worth it.

The twenty Sues were circled around Siram and Caity, kissing their cheeks, congratulation them in a pretty sort of way. One of the cat-girls flicked Caity with her tale in a teasing _well done_.

"Now?" Dib hissed.

"Wait a minute," the little blonde girl whispered. Everyone stared at her in tense anticipation. She pulled a pink band from around her wrist and wrapped her hair into a tight ponytail, very, very slowly. Dib's eye twitched (He really had no idea why it did that. He had a theory that some skinny, demented man was making him twitch for his sick amusement).

"Okay," the blonde said in a mock-tough voice. "NOW!" She ran screaming from the rest of the group right into the crowd of confused Sues.

"Uh," Dib mumbled. "Yeah, uh…" The girls-and Zim- didn't wait for him to finish. The redhead immediately jumped onto the back of a Sue that was probably her copy, and one of the Vorts tugged them both to the ground. The Asian and the pink-haired girl were fighting together, swinging full plates of cupcakes and pasta at Caity and the other Irken's heads. Pink-hair was promptly tackled by a girl with pointed violet cat-ears and a blackish tail. Her fighting partner smacked the unnamed Irken in the side of the head with a ladle.

Chloe and Siram were locked in an intense wrestling match. What the Sue lacked in size she made up in skill, and soon had her host in a headlock. Chloe kicked backwards at her legs, and they fell to the floor again.

Dib had stood next to the pillar in a bit of a daze before twin brunette girls grabbed his arms and threw him onto his back. He quickly got over any previous qualms about hitting girls and kicked the one on the left in the face. Blood spurted from her thin nose, and she gave him a vengeful slap before racing off to stop the bleeding.

Zim, strangely, was not in the thick of the fighting. He was yelling something into his wristwatch (when did he get a wristwatch?) and slapping one of the Sues in the face with one hand. The person on the watch-screen was a purple-haired and extremely apathetic girl. However, once she heard the sound of fighting, she widened her eyes, nodded quickly, and hung up.

Tak had two hands buried in the Queen's hair, and was pulling at it viciously. Another Sue was holding onto her legs and trying to extract the Irken from the Queen. The tiny blonde was attempting to land a punch on her royal opponent's porcelain face. Tak was screaming bloody murder, and the Queen wasn't exactly calm either. She was scratching at Tak's face, and bluish blood dripped to the floor.

The hall was filled with the sound of slightly confused combat. _They totally just spilled the pudding!_ thought Siram as she bit Chloe's hand. _Those douches!_ She scanned the room for her main enemy, before her eyes lighted on him. He was still in a corner, attempting to fight a Sue, even though one of the lenses on his glasses was cracked severely

_DIB._ Siram suddenly flung Chloe halfway across the room. The host got up, looked alarmed for a second, then was punched in the face by an angry, feline Sue.

"YOU!" Siram's roaring declaration shook the room, causing another dish to fall of the slightly broken table. She pointed at Dib, shaking with rage. "This is _your fault!_" The remaining brown-haired Sue scampered away. Mary Sues were serious about revenge-fights, and refused to kill one of their friends' nemeses.

"_You _tried to destroy me and take over my planet!"

"_You _were a _threat!_ I was just doing my job!"

"And I was doing _mine!_" Dib was slipping into that frame of mind where the entire universe rested on his shoulders.

Siram gave a mighty _raaaagh! _before throwing herself toward her foe. About two feet away from him, she jumped and remained suspended a foot and a half off the ground. Her eyes were literally glowing with hate. They were both a very dark purple now, and the colour had spread to the whole eye. She whipped the silver belt off, and it straightened into a steel rod.

She swung the stick once, clipping the side of Dib's head, and dropped to the ground. Dib attempted to land a hit on her, but she smacked the side of his wrist, hard. Siram spun in a tight circle and kicked her opponent in the chest. Dib stumbled backwards, shaky and a bit winded from the impact. He managed to land a hard slap on Siram's rage-twisted face.

She looked at him with this absolute, unbridled hatred. It was like looking into the face of an abyss. And abyss that hates you. And hates your family. And hates unicorns.

Screaming like a madwoman, Siram leapt into the air, kicking Dib in the chest again. This time, there was more power behind it and he fell to the ground. She grinned down at him, her bleeding lip making her look even more insane. She raised the steel rod and prepared to put an end to Dib's short, pathetic life.

_It really was pathetic_, Dib noted as his life flashed before his eyes (forwards, and much quicker than Dibship's life-flashy-deathy-thing.).

Suddenly, Siram fell to the ground, apparently unconscious. Zim stood behind her, brandishing a frying pan with the Irken military insignia on it. Dib didn't have time to question Zim saving his life, or the random kitchen instruments.

Because at that moment, the whole room started shaking.

"FINALLY!" Zim screamed, then he ran away at an impossible speed.

_Finally? _

The wall fell in, revealing about fifty trees.

Fifty _trees?_

Gaz was seated in a shortish tree near the front. She gave Dib a sarcastic wave, and he was too weirded out to do anything but wave back. She shouted, "ATTACK!" at a ridiculous volume, and the trees shuffled forward at a remarkable pace.

She casually looked on as the trees around her swarmed the room, wrapping Sues up in their thread branches and tossing them lightly aside. Siram was scooped up by the tree Gaz was sitting in. Or was formerly sitting in, as she jumped to the ground and proclaimed, "Nobody destroys Dib except me."

Everything went suddenly shockingly silent but for the scream of a single Sue:

"THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN IS DEAD!" She then began to cry rather prettily, along with the other Sues.

A single pale, overly nail-polished hand stuck out from a pile of broken wall bits. It was a rather anti-climactic death, considering. Some Sues held to the story that she tried to hold the wall together to protect her kingdom, but a few say eyewitnesses heard her yelling "YOLO" as she flung herself into the breaking wall.

Either way she was dead, and the traditional three-year long over-dramatic period would extend for many many more years, with many, many Queens inbetween.

But that is another tale for another time.

"Gaz, how did you get here?" Dib dusted off the front of his shirt

"I borrowed Tak's ship."

"YOU BORROWED MY SHIP? IT'S PROBABLY ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE NOW FROM THE STUPID TREE-THINGS!"

"The trees fold up really small. Pretty clever of Zim to think of it."

"Of course it was clever. I am _Zim_," he replied, clenching his hands dramatically.

Tak left in her ship, promising never to return to the Milky Way galaxy ever again as long as she lived. Things were too weird there.

Zim went back to invading things, like the Earth and other people's personal space.

Dib went back to protecting his home planet and pushing Zim back out of his personal bubble.

Gaz went back to being apathetic about things she couldn't eat or plug a controller into.

And Clever gave everyone involved in what would be known as the Great Mary Sue Debacle of 2kWhatever a nice fruit basket.

Fruit baskets are cool.

xxx

"…Red?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think Zim forgot about us? These handcuffs are starting to chafe."

"No, definitely not. Who would forget us? We're awesome."

"Yes we are."

"I'm hungry."

xxxxx

*still crying a bit* Oh, he totally forgot about you. You're gonna die. Lulz.

Baiz!


End file.
